.+how difficult it is to say i love u?+.

haha... yos long long time no blog liao... hahas... well today is my last paper!!! e math paper 2 and physics paper 1.... congratz me bahx... listenin to alan kuo you lun songs.. he rocks man... well i like those singers that write their own songs as when they sing it they got the better feel... hahas... well... todae went to compass the cafe gaile with geradine and ate like oreo cheese cake and ice cream... yipee... but ate too much thn feel sick lor... hahas... well i also ate the student meal the black pepper chicken. well it kinda suck cause a bit too tough... ^^ so here i am bloggin....
well many stuff have been like on goin since the last blog.. for instance my ah ma.. is hospitalised again, she is like my only grandparent left, my nai nai left this year during the SYF period..well i dunno but it seems like when i grow older, the sadness when someone close to you pass away is like more and more.. i dun rmb feelin that heartpain feelin when i send my nainai on her last journey before with both my grandpas.... maybe is the time that i spend with my grandmas are more.. after the cremenation, i felt helpless and how unpredictable life is... especially with nainai she looked so healthy this chinese new year smiling at me when she gave out ang paos... well she left so suddenly that during the 5 day funeral i have like no emotions until the very last day that the truth sank in she was not cumin bak anymore... i would never be able to taste her cookin i will never be able to hug her at lest once and tell her that she was the best grandma in the whole wide world i would be unble to go to the market with her.... every chinese new year would be without her, the front seat would not be occupied by her anymore... and i regret.
i regret not tellin her that i love her... regret not talkin to her more.... after regret thn there cums the fear, the fear of losing... as many of my close friends know... my ah ma have cancer... well it relapsed again and she did not want to do chemo anymore... it is so torturing... you would feel weak and horribe, then just about 3 weeks ago, she was hospitalised ,well she have fever and a bit of water in her lungs.. but well she recovered frm it but the doctor found out that the tumour hav like blocked her kidney and they cannot function properly.. it was like nightmare all over, almost the same sympthos as nainai but luckily, the doc say that by putting a tube to the kidney, it would be able to function... so she put a tube in her kidney but after the doc said that the another kidney may be blocked too so ytr she went to put another tube... well hopefully if everything is ok she might be able to come out soon... through this past 3 wks she have been hospitalised, i sensed the child-like cuteness in her even though she is oready old.. she is like a small child seeing what food we have brought for her... smiling when she smell her favourite chili and kuay chap... she just look so cute, pouting when she did not like the food... she would consistently ask us to go home when we just turn up at her ward fearing that it was too troublesome for us to travel to the hospital and back home. when my mum persuaded for her to put another tube, she sulk a lil but in the end gave in.. then i wanted to go to her and tell her that everything would be okay and i wanna tell her that she can come out of the freaking lonely place... i wanna tell her i love her and have a heart to heart talk with her... but i do not know where to start maybe is the language bearer maybe is that frm young, i have never say the four letter word, i just dun noe where to start how to tell her that i love her... i can sense that frm my mum too... i know that my mum have not been the loving close to her unlike me and my mum, i know that frm deep down inside she wanna just embrace my ah ma but i know since young she have not been doing that not even taking her hand and take a walk around the park, so for my ah ma suddenly doin it would scare her... somehow i think my ah ma is trying too.. just that day when i went to visit her with some nice tom yam which she ate happily after eating roti prata my uncle brought for her... she ask me if my exams was over i told her that i still have 2 more days of exam.. she smiled at me with a smile i never seen before and asking me in chinese to jia you!(kampate)she was like so loving and really really telling me to go for my best, i have not heard it b4... she is like tring to reach out to us as grandaughters too.. how i wish i was a small child where i can say i love u easily from my heart without feeling shy.. i am scared of scaring her and scared of an awkward pause after the four letter word... i dunno when to start but the only thing i noe that i can do without fearing for awkward scene is to recite prayers for her and morally giving her support by visiting her frequently... i dunno when i can say the love word to her but i think deep down inside i know that she also wanna tell me that and that she knows that i wanna tell her that "AH MA WO AI NI! JIA YOU!"
.+terminated+.
pls if ah ma have to leave us, pls dun let her suffer pls.i think all of us would rather she go peacefully but not suffering to take another breath... nai nai i would always love u and rmb you in my heart.. dun need to worry about any of us,as we would be okay.. Nainai wo ai ni...